Live Free or Die Hard Movie Review

Live Free or Die Hard

Starring: Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant, Justin Long, Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Directed by: Len Wiseman

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, language and a brief sexual situation

130 min

Look at that face, people. Rocky, in the new Rocky movie, looked like an old slab of meat that had sat in the sun for like thirteen years. (that doesn’t mean I didn’t like the movie, I did, honest. But, meat is meat.) I do not look forward to seeing him shirtless and carrying a big gun in the next and in my honest opinion completely unnecessary Rambo movie. I am already squeezing my eyes shut in anticipation of Indiana Jones’s appearance in the next Raiders of the Gigantic Hole in the Ground of A Dark and Sinister Country, or whatever it will be. Ok, alright, old guys in Hollywood are making all these comeback movies, raising old characters from the dusty ground, it’s the In Thing to do, but the only one who has carried it off, every damn bit of it, is Bruce Willis. Now that, my friends, is a man who has aged well.

Of course, I am well known for my passionate approval of bald men. But seriously, look at him! Isn’t he tough? Isn’t he cool? Doesn’t he just look like the most capable, rock-solid NY city cop who chuckles at danger and punches saber-toothed horses in the jaw? Yeah, that’s right. Lt. John McClane was in fine form, people. Fine form, indeed.

I told you I was going to go see Live Free or Die Hard next. I told you I was going to like it. No surprises.

McClane is not retired, thank the Movie Gods. He is still in fine fightin’ fettle, still a cop, only now he is Detective McClane and assigned such important tasks as escorting a well-known hacker, Matt Farrell (Long), to Washington DC, so he can be questioned by the FBI in a series of disturbing hack jobs on the government computer mainframes. Right from the start, when a bunch of bad guys (including an exceptionally monkey-like, leaping, flexible, bouncing criminal dude who is fun to watch) try to murder the hacker before he can get to the feebs, the action is non-stop and bold as a pair of brass balls. Just like McClane. Just how we fans like it. Add in some danger to Lucy, McClane’s all grown up and fairly bustin’-out brave herself daughter, and a “firesale” going on in the country (This is hacker termanology that means controlling the entire country by taking over transportation, finance, and utilities by using computers) we’ve got action, we’ve got suspense, we’ve got buttkicking on the way.

The stunts are extra-stuntacular. The explosions super-dee-duper explosiveish. The car chases and (of course) car crashes and crazy-ass crashtactical. And McClane has not lost his wisecracking muttering or his sense of dark humor. He was not as joke-cracking and quirky as he was in the earlier movies, but that was fine by me. Who stays exactly the same as they grow older? The McClane portrayed in this latest installment was older, more grizzled, and definitely wiser. In Die Hard, the original, he was almost devil-may-care, facing a bunch of nutso terrorists and laughing his ass off the whole time. Now we can see reflected in his more somber eyes the years and experiences he has passed through since. Forgive me for romanticizing an action hero, for pete’s sake, but as we all know, I will, I must, I live to do exactly that. Willis has a great charisma with Long, and we get to see the old dog at least watch some new tricks, if not exactly learn them, when Matt shows off his own unusual talents.

Yes, he does say it. But I am not going to tell when, or how. But the Yippee kai yay is in there, babies.

I give it 4 &s

&… I love it when They do a new movie in an old series without looking like a bunch of headless chicken asshats with no concept of who the character is

&…Bruce himself- he’s an old, bent nail that is still pretty damn sharp

&… Long, I enjoyed him in Waiting, I liked him more in this role

&… an interesting plot that I don’t think I rolled my eyes at one time

To See or Not To See, and BUY MY BOOK

To See or Not to See, based on the glorious previews that I sit through every time I see a movie. Fine readers and fellow movie viewers, feel free to chime in - comments section, or email, and let me know what you advise- what you are looking forward to, or what you dread....

To See:

The third in the Pirates of the Caribbean series.. the end of the world, or whatever… Ok, it is called At World’s End. Now, I am not saying I will go the theater for this, in all likelihood, I will not. I will watch it once it arrives at my doorstep in a neat little red Netflix envelope. But I will see it, if for no other reason than Johnny Depp is amusing in that character, come on, you have to admit it! No matter how lame the second one might have been compared to the fist, it was still interesting enough that I watched the entire thing, and I thought the action was good… plus, I wasn’t offended horribly by the “unrealistic” characters introduced, like Davey Jones with his face and headful of wormy tentacles. But I have to ask it, if you are looking for realism, why are you watching a movie called “Pirates of the Caribbean” instead of the discovery channel?

And… since we are talking about crazy ass sequels, what about the next Die Hard movie: Live Free or Die Hard? Of course I will see it, no matter how much it makes me cringe to even imagine it. But look at the Rocky movie- that turned out to be pretty damn good.

Sadly, I doubt very much that Lt. John McClane is going to be portrayed as the older, softer version, as Rocky was. Judging from the previews, there isn’t going to be a whole lot in common with the original Die Hard, either (one of my favorite movies ever). Nope, looks like lots of explosions and lots of cars racing and McClane guffawing and floating one liners at a young, silly “partner” who will be in awe of this mysterious old man’s expertise in…well, just about anything. And… they have his daughter. *swelling- serious - music *. So, even if it isn’t a good Die Hard movie, it probably still falls under the category of sweaty men with guns getting revenge, therefore it’s watchable to me.

Not To See:

Perfect Stranger, on the other hand, does not look very interesting to me. I will see Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movie, but this…not so much. Halle Berry and Willis are both pretty big star power to draw folks in, but not in this way- Berry thinks Willis killed her friend, and now she has to go “undercover” to prove it. Not only is it hard for me to think of Willis as a weaselee, murdering, big businessman, it is also hard for me to think of Berry as an undercover secret agent-type, ferreting out mysteries. This is the kind of movie where my (admittedly short) attention span gets entirely away from me, and I go to the bathroom six hundred times, and keep pouring my popcorn on the floor so that I can go get a 50 cent refill. Speaking of which, does everyone have this option at their local theater? You buy this huge tub of buttery goop popcorn for about nineteen dollars, BUT… if you eat it all and still want to manifest your extreme gluttony, you can go get it “refilled” for 50 cents? Same goes for the seventeen dollar cup o’ Pepsi. Is this unique to my home’s movie theater, or do all theaters have such a fricked up way of selling shit? Oh, I was saying, I doubt I will see this one, but who knows? If it gets good reviews, I might change my mind. That is, after all, a Kaat’s prerogative.

What doyathinkof: (Or.. “I am not sure if I will see or not see”)

Disturbia, where an extremely young looking Shia LaBeof (and yes it is hard for me to see him as a grownup after all that Holes nonsense… how can he be under arrest again, but as an “adult” just a few years later?) is under house arrest and so, of course, starts spying on the neighborhood. He discovers not only that he has a hot neighbor who wants to spy with him, but that one of the other neighbors just might be a knife-wielding maniac. Always fun! Anyone looking forward to this one?

And one final note- please do admire the newly published “ 30 Kaat Dayz”, sold at Lulu, advertised just over to the right of this post under “Biased reviews in a book? Let me BUY IT!” If not to purchase, just to, you know, admire the dazzling cover that I labored over in photoshop for like, I dunno, twenty minutes or even twenty-three.

It is a collection of thirty blog posts, sort of a “test book” to screw around with on lulu, but when I mentioned it to a few people, they expressed a strange desire to buy it. Ok, whatever, crazy, people, there it is. Make me rich or something.