Pirates of the Caribbean : At World's End Movie Review

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Starring: Johnny Depp, Keira Knightly, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush

Directed by: Gore Verbinski

Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of action/adventure violence and some frightening images

168 minutes

Soooo, yo ho hum, I finally went to the movies this last weekend, to see the third and (final? ‘bsolutely NOT, I don’t believe it) Pirates of the Caribbean movies, At World’s End. I will begin by warning you that this movie is long. So if you are going to the theater to watch it, prepare to have a numb butt and be sick of popcorn after 2 hours and forty odd minutes has passed. Your pop will be little more than a splash of liquid with all the ice melted and no fizz left, I tell you. If you’re going to wait until it comes out on DVD, well, that’s just fine but be prepared to watch it while lively and filled with caffeine because, like I said, it’s long, and NO movie can be action-packed and empty of boredom for two hours and forty eight minutes. Unless it’s the LOTR movies I guess, I don’t remember being bored in those, but… hell, I’m sure someone was. According to this path of logic, there are probably some who found every minute of At World’ End riveting. Those Johnny Depp Nuts who find his prancing, princing, preening Jack Sparrow the most fascinating man on film. Alas, I am not one of them, Sparrow is amusing, but not the subject of any fantasy in this particular head, and the point of this rambling paragraph? Yes, there were slow spots in the film. There were actually long, dragging spots, making me wince painfully as I saw them limp across the screen, wounded animals that should have been put out of their misery.

Yet for all the tiny troubles with this film, it was entertaining. Grand, swashbuckling adventure, mateys, right from the get-go. The first good thing to be said of it is that within not very many of those long minutes into it, we get to see Chow-Yun Fat. Who is a big fan of his? Oh yeah, that’s right- ME AM. Elizabeth Swann is as kick-ass and bold as you could want a feminine character in a third pirate movie to be. Wil Turner, the guy she loves (for some unknown reason, although once Orlando Bloom dresses like a pirate, it’s much, much easier to see why) and she have their tempestuous relationship as usual. Barbossa, the bad guy in the first’s Pirate’s film, is now an unlikely ally of the two as they make crazy plans to go to the Land of Death, to Davy Jones’s locker, precisely, bring back Jack Sparrow, who is needed.

Why is he needed? Well, because he is one of the Pirate Lords. And a bunch of people started singing. Although this is not exactly explained in the film, there is a definite thread of reason in those two sentences. You’ll just have to trust me. And why is he in the Locker (which you will see is a particularly horrifying level of Boring Hell)? Because he was killed whilst battling the Kraken, by duplicitous Elizabeth’s manacling of his wrist to a blowing-up-boat. That is the entire plot explaining you’re going to get from me. I know, not much of an explanation. But I figure you have all seen this on DVD by now.

…And although there is not a whole lot of explaining about the Pirate Lords and why they have to get together for a sleepover, it becomes clear as the film rolls on. It’s gonna be Good Guys versus Bad Guys, in a big ol’ showdown. It is up to the viewer to decide on whom the good and bad are, I guess, because traditionally, it was the pirates who were like raping and killing and burning people to death. The soldiers were, you know, to stop them from doing that to normal citizens. But happily, not a whole lot of burning happens in this film. There are numerous fight scenes, with flashing, dashing swords as choreographed as the best dance team in Hollywood, but not a lot of blood, and the gross-out factor of the film is due more to the character’s appearances than any violence quota. I am sorry to be such a wimp, but I had to turn my head away whenever Davy Jones and his writhing, tentacled head appeared. I swear the guy looked like he was covered with protruding, breathing, butt holes.

LOL. Did I really just type that?

Why yes I did, and it stays.

We gradually learn that the main plan of the meeting of the pirate lords is to decide what to do about Lord Cutler Beckett, who has control of Mr. I’ve Got a Breathing Brain-sac Dangling Under My Hat Davy Jones’s heart. And is using him to terrorize all the pirates on the seas. See, Beckett is undoubtedly a bad guy in the film, but I think he was a pretty cool customer. I kind of admired him, his icy wit and quick thinking. Even in this film, where he gets his comeuppance, so to speak, he goes out like the coolest Clint Eastwood character you could think of.

There is a long, convoluted plot line about Calypso, the sea goddess who all of these people apparently trapped a long time ago, in human form. This gives the film-makers the chance to run Tia Delma through her paces, and let me tell you, the weird woman is not any easier to understand in this film than the last one. She goes around with her smudged mouth and dotted face, warning in a dire voice things like, “Me senses that ye hiven’t got de thikin ye need t’ do dis terreeble ting. Bewayre! Beeewayre!!!!” Yes indeed, this is the goddess Calypso, we soon find out she was once lover of Davy Jones, and a whole lotta time is spent in explaining her storyline, and how they (The Pirate Lords) cannot decide whether or not to free her.

K, Let me just spoil this for you. They do free her. Does she go stomping off, hurling firebolts at the soldiers? Rip the head off Beckett? Turn her wrath on the pirates? Nope, she turns into a bunch of crabs and disappears.

No I am not kidding. She just disappears. I guess the storm that happens next is supposed to be her doing, but there isn’t any proof of that, and what is the point, I ask, since it doesn’t really help either side? Plus, we never get any satisfying answers about her and Davy, and if they are reunited. And most importantly, if he loses his waving face for good once he is with her. So, what, I ask again, was the point?

So and so is betraying this person, and that guy is betraying them, and this dude is sneaking around behind his ands her back and he is secretly meeting with the other person. Sounds confusing? I know. Add to this twisting storyline the garbled speech of a lot of the characters- their pirate speak was sometimes actually unintelligible to me- and you have, if not a deep movie that will make you think about who you are and who you want to be, at the very least a movie that will make you laugh, and yearn to run away to sea. Um, provided that you get to be one of the fortunate few who have sparkling white, even smiles, as compared to the other 98% of the characters, with their blackened, missing, and sometimes moldy-looking teeth. Why does a blacksmith like Wil Turner have such wonderful dentistry, I wonder? Why does Jack Sparrow, alone among pirates, not have a moldy-mouth and rotten stubs of teeth? Is there some Pirate God of Teeth who looks down and chooses the best looking men to keep their pearly whites? If so, Toothly Toothfulness, that god, does no one else any favors, so unless you are dashing and handsome, I’d advise against the whole running off to sail experience or you’ll end up with a mouth that looks like a sewer hole.

And possibly buttholes on your face.

The movie does however, I must say, have a strange Unexpected Twist of an Ending, and it was really this that redeemed the whole show for me. Give me a non-typical ending that sparks my imagination, and I will like the movie a whole lot better. It was no different with this one.

I give this 3 and a half ands…

&… Jack Sparrow. Even if you try not to like him, he is an appealing character, though noticeably less appealing in this installment, but that is the nature of sequels.

&…. Did I mention that Chow Yun Fat is in this? Yea, o Great one, he the crouching tiger, he the dragon that hides.

&… I have to say the choreography really was eye-bending. Those fight scenes were a blast.

Half an & for Elizabeth Swann’s outfits.

To See or Not To See, and BUY MY BOOK

To See or Not to See, based on the glorious previews that I sit through every time I see a movie. Fine readers and fellow movie viewers, feel free to chime in - comments section, or email, and let me know what you advise- what you are looking forward to, or what you dread....

To See:

The third in the Pirates of the Caribbean series.. the end of the world, or whatever… Ok, it is called At World’s End. Now, I am not saying I will go the theater for this, in all likelihood, I will not. I will watch it once it arrives at my doorstep in a neat little red Netflix envelope. But I will see it, if for no other reason than Johnny Depp is amusing in that character, come on, you have to admit it! No matter how lame the second one might have been compared to the fist, it was still interesting enough that I watched the entire thing, and I thought the action was good… plus, I wasn’t offended horribly by the “unrealistic” characters introduced, like Davey Jones with his face and headful of wormy tentacles. But I have to ask it, if you are looking for realism, why are you watching a movie called “Pirates of the Caribbean” instead of the discovery channel?

And… since we are talking about crazy ass sequels, what about the next Die Hard movie: Live Free or Die Hard? Of course I will see it, no matter how much it makes me cringe to even imagine it. But look at the Rocky movie- that turned out to be pretty damn good.

Sadly, I doubt very much that Lt. John McClane is going to be portrayed as the older, softer version, as Rocky was. Judging from the previews, there isn’t going to be a whole lot in common with the original Die Hard, either (one of my favorite movies ever). Nope, looks like lots of explosions and lots of cars racing and McClane guffawing and floating one liners at a young, silly “partner” who will be in awe of this mysterious old man’s expertise in…well, just about anything. And… they have his daughter. *swelling- serious - music *. So, even if it isn’t a good Die Hard movie, it probably still falls under the category of sweaty men with guns getting revenge, therefore it’s watchable to me.

Not To See:

Perfect Stranger, on the other hand, does not look very interesting to me. I will see Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movie, but this…not so much. Halle Berry and Willis are both pretty big star power to draw folks in, but not in this way- Berry thinks Willis killed her friend, and now she has to go “undercover” to prove it. Not only is it hard for me to think of Willis as a weaselee, murdering, big businessman, it is also hard for me to think of Berry as an undercover secret agent-type, ferreting out mysteries. This is the kind of movie where my (admittedly short) attention span gets entirely away from me, and I go to the bathroom six hundred times, and keep pouring my popcorn on the floor so that I can go get a 50 cent refill. Speaking of which, does everyone have this option at their local theater? You buy this huge tub of buttery goop popcorn for about nineteen dollars, BUT… if you eat it all and still want to manifest your extreme gluttony, you can go get it “refilled” for 50 cents? Same goes for the seventeen dollar cup o’ Pepsi. Is this unique to my home’s movie theater, or do all theaters have such a fricked up way of selling shit? Oh, I was saying, I doubt I will see this one, but who knows? If it gets good reviews, I might change my mind. That is, after all, a Kaat’s prerogative.

What doyathinkof: (Or.. “I am not sure if I will see or not see”)

Disturbia, where an extremely young looking Shia LaBeof (and yes it is hard for me to see him as a grownup after all that Holes nonsense… how can he be under arrest again, but as an “adult” just a few years later?) is under house arrest and so, of course, starts spying on the neighborhood. He discovers not only that he has a hot neighbor who wants to spy with him, but that one of the other neighbors just might be a knife-wielding maniac. Always fun! Anyone looking forward to this one?

And one final note- please do admire the newly published “ 30 Kaat Dayz”, sold at Lulu, advertised just over to the right of this post under “Biased reviews in a book? Let me BUY IT!” If not to purchase, just to, you know, admire the dazzling cover that I labored over in photoshop for like, I dunno, twenty minutes or even twenty-three.

It is a collection of thirty blog posts, sort of a “test book” to screw around with on lulu, but when I mentioned it to a few people, they expressed a strange desire to buy it. Ok, whatever, crazy, people, there it is. Make me rich or something.