Lost Season Three Premiere Review

Welcome to Lost Season Three…. A breakdown of last night’s episode

Spoilers or whatever, by the way.

I apologize profusely to those of you reading this who are not Lost fans, because everything I say will remain an indecipherable (although admittedly amusing) babble of words which can be processed and translated only by those rare and wonderful individuals known as Lostralians. Or whatever you call yourself- we watch Lost. We’re hooked. We have waited impatiently all summer long, various theories running through our minds, seizing and rejecting ideas about what the hell is going on… and now…. We are a junkie whose needle finally got all filled up with yummy television joy last night… the season premiere of Lost.

First of all, we see the Others in their hood. They have a little TOWN set there in the jungle, complete with houses and Stephen King books. And book clubs. Where folks argue. We get to see the earthquake that shook everything up- caused no doubt by the magnetic overload of the hatch or something- which caused the plane to crash. We see the Others taking orders (specifically Ethan and Goodwin) to infiltrate the survivors’ camps by Mr. Henry Gale himself, who we learned at the last season cliffhanger, is really the head honcho of the Others. As SOME of us suspected.

Ah yes… Season Three….

Where… Jack, our stupid hero (sorry, but let’s get this out of the way- Jack is an idiot. A stubborn, know-it-all, arrogant, I am God/Doctor, bona fide idiot) wakes up in a cell with a glass wall, having flashbacks about the end of his marriage. It is suggested that Sarah, his darling wife, possibly had an affair with his drunkard of a father. We see, via flashback, Jack acting out in his usual fly-off-the-handle, totally irrational way, going postal on Sarah and dear ol’ dad, destroying, in the process (it is implied) his father’s fifty days of sobriety and getting his own dumb ass thrown in jail.

He has a hottie captor, Julia, I think, who idiotically opens his cell and allows him to jump her, force her out into the corridor, and up against a door…a hatch, really, with a spinny-kind of wheel. She refuses to open it, says they’ll both die if she does. The biotch is obviously frightened. Now, what does Jack do? Well of course, he OPENS it. Such a Jack-like thing to do. Of course water rushes through and immediately starts filling up the hallway and click- viewers realize they are in the theorized Underwater Hatch! Yes, Virginia, there is an underwater hatch, and it probably has something to do with that dharma- tattooed shark we saw a while back! Luckily, with Julia (or is it Juliet) to help his sorry butt out, they get the door shut, water stops gushing it, and wham, she punches Jack, knocking him out, and when he wakes up, he’s back where he started. This time, J appears to be reading a file- something she says is “his entire life”, and she tells him tings that she obviously shouldn’t know, if she’s as shipwrecked on this island as he is. She asks him repeatedly, “What do you want to know, Jack?”

Now there are lots of questions he could have asked…starting with, “How did you get that information on me?” But oh no, Jack has to ask, of all the stupid frickin questions, if his dumb ex-wife is happy.

Yeah. GOOD CHOICE JACK. And then he blubbers like an infant while Julia/et tells him, oh yeah, the girl is positively joyful. Whaaaaa…. Let’s forget about Jack and his supreme infantile idiocy and get to the real hero of the story….

Sawyer wakes up in what is obviously an animal cage… in a zoo of some sort. He sees, across the way, another person locked up in another cage, a young kid who starts asking him how far away his camp is… and then unlocks both of their cages. Sawyer makes a run for it, but he’s obviously lost – Hehehe- and out of the bushes pops Julietta. She promptly shoots him with a little dart and he ends up back in his former-polar-bear’s-we-assume-cage. The kid who set him free is caught too, brought up to apologize to Sawyer for “trying to involve you in my escape plan” and then frogmarched off. Ok, so what was the point of the kid? To show us that some of the Others aren’t entirely cool with the agenda? That some of them (probably the younger generation-like Alex letting Claire go last season) want to rebel, want to get loose? Or to make us think that, when it’s all really an elaborate ploy to make Sawyer think that when actually….well, something. All I know is that you can assume nothing while watching this show. There’s always a twist ahead you don’t see coming.

Kate, Kate our darlin girl, meanwhile wakes up on the floor of what looks like a locker room, with a shower running. Creepy Big Smile Guy tells her to take a shower, don’t worry, she’s not “his type”. Does this mean he’s gay? Or just totally abnormal? Because hello- Kate is EVERY guy’s type. So she showers and then gets dressed in the lacy little scrap of a dress they leave for her and then is escorted out to breakfast in front of the ocean, including coffee and strawberries… yummy yum. Yes, the host of the breakfast is Mr. Gale, and he makes her put on handcuffs. In answer to her questions (good ones-not like Jack’s stupid, self-pitying question) Ben- formerly known as Henry- tells her he wanted her to enjoy the breakfast, feel like a lady and relax, because the next few weeks are going to SUCK, bigtime. Oh hooray, you can see Kate’s excited about that.

She ends up in the cage across from Sawyer’s at the zoo. They share a fish biscuit and a tender glance and it is obvious, to me, anyway, that these two are finally gonna hook up. It’s written all over their hot little faces.

And can I say, it’s about TIME? When Kate kissed Jack last season, well, EWWWW is the only word I can use to describe my personal feelings on the matter. Imagining his egg-shaped face, all bristly and sweaty, his thin little lips coming close to mine…makes me want to hurl. Nope, I am all about the Sawyer and Kate connection. They are two of a kind- and Jack merely represents a fantasy for Kate, while Sawyer is like her long-lost (Hehehe) other half. Because basically, Kate’s a bad girl. We know this.

So, was the season premiere all it was supposed to be? Of course not. We waited all summer and we didn’t get nearly enough meat in last night’s episode to satisfy our hunger. We still don’t know what happened to Echo and Locke and Desmond and Charlie. We don’t know where Sayid is with that damn boat (although previews for next week hint we’ll find out then). Last night’s episode just brought up like one million new questions, and we realize we’ll have to suffer through- slowly, so slowly- this season to glean any kind of answer, and maybe even at the end of the season, we won’t have the satisfaction we’re seeking.

But hey, people, that’s Lost. That’s what it’s all about.

Keep ‘em hanging, make ‘em beg for more. We’re like in this masochistic relationship with the show’s makers, a love-hate thing. We despise them for what they do to us, yet we come back, wanting it again, week after week. A lot of people complain. A lot of people say they’ll stop watching if they don’t get some concrete answers, like SOON, dammit! But not me.

Oh no.

I for one, am looking forward to next week’s tease-me-leave-me episode. And the one after that…and the one after that….

Now, if you never watch Lost, and you actually stumbled your way through this to the end of the post, hey I admire you! You've got gumption! And a curious mind! I suggest you get on the Lost wagon, right now. Go buy or rent the first two seasons and catch up. You'll be so glad you did....or so mad you did....but either way, you won't be the same.