Review of The Email That's Gonna Change My Life

To Read the Email That's Gonna Change My Life, go HERE.

Yippee! I’m an heiress!

Yes indeed, my friends and neighbors, you’re looking at one lucky kaat. I don’t know how much time I’ll be able to devote to my blog once I’ve received all the money that my dear old Uncle… um… well, shoot, I guess I don’t know his name. But I do know the name of his attorney, good old Barrister Benedict E. Maxwell. Yep, good old Benny, the man that’s gonna make me rich.

Of course, it didn’t seem like Benny knew my name either, since he address me as “sir”…. But I’m not going to worry about that. I mean, that’s an honest mistake. Anyone could take a look at me and think, “Well there’s a nice young man,” or even, “What a studly guy!” I’ve thought it myself many times when peering in the mirror.

Whoooweeee! I can’t wait to collect my money from good old Uncle Moneybags’s estate. See, Benny sent me an email explaining the whole thing. Unfortunately, my relative… I just call him “uncle”, you know, ever since I learned about him this morning, but he might actually be a cousin or something. Anyway, the dead rich dude, he sadly died in that plane crash, the Belleview Boeing 737. And I know this is true, because helpfully, Benny put some links in his email to me, and there REALLY was a crash!

Anyway, so he’s dead, right? But Benny, the barrister guy, he’s been looking for his family. The dead guy’s bank contacted him, and told him he needed to find the next of kin, so they can get rid of the guy’s money. I mean, it’s just sitting around, burning a hole in their vaults and they don’t know what the hell to do with it! It’s not their problem. They just want it OUT of there. And I don’t blame them. Filthy money. Yuck. So, anyway, after the board of directors (of the bank, you know) adopted a “resolution”, which I’m pretty sure is important, Barrister Ben went out looking for Dead Guy’s, I mean, Uncle Money’s, family.

And he couldn’t FIND anyone. Can you believe this?

So this is where it starts to get crazy. Now the bank decides they want that money after all. I should have guessed it. And they’re gonna invoke the abandoned property decree of 1996 to do it! Filthy BASTARDS! I think if they’ll stoop that low, well, there’s nothing they won’t stoop to.

Now here’s where I come in. Uncle Rich Guy was a successful business dude, um, I think he was like, a “Oil Magnet”, Ben said in his email, but I’m not sure what that is, except maybe that he like, attracted money to himself. Anyway, since he is dead now, with lots of his bucks in that stupid bank, like 12 million or something, Bennister figured out, really professional-like, that I should get some of it!

I KNOW. I mean, I totally agree with him. I deserve the money of dead guys all over the world, not only in Nigeria, it’s just that the rest of the dead guys’ lawyers haven’t found me.

So Ben figures he’ll present me as Dead Rich Guy’s next of kin, which is cool with me. I mean, I don’t know half of my relatives in Finland, let alone Nigeria. There could definitely be a lot of them over in that part, because I heard there was a big immigration from Finland to Nigeria sometime in like, the seventies, and that’s when they could have moved there. Conceivably.

So now it’s just a matter of all the silly nilly legal papers and stuff, but Ben doesn’t want me to worry about none of that stuff… he’ll take care of all of it. He says, right there in the email, that he’ll take care of all the angles, so you know, I won’t have any legal hassles later, which is a relief, because I deserve that money, you know? I don’t want anything to mess it up. I just have to give Bennyboy my particulars, like name, address, phone and fax and um… something else, I can’t remember…oh yeah! My bank account stuff! And he will do everything from there. I get 30% and he gets 60% which is fine with me, ‘cause obviously he’s doing all the work, and stuff, and 30% of 12 million is still a lot of money. I mean, think of how many pairs of boots I can buy with that. I already have my eye on a pair at Macy’s and I’m getting them the second this legal stuff is over with. Oh, and the other 10% is the cure money. I’m not sure what that means, but he said it’ll take that much at least for “expenses cured”. I was thinking that maybe people like get sick a lot in this kind of deal, what with it being cold and flu season and all, and maybe there’s a special fund set aside for medical expenses for all the legal people involved. In case they get sick, you know? I think that makes sense. So they can have the best doctors money can buy and then get cured and we can get on with the case and give me my rich dead uncle’s money.

I know you all are really excited for me, and I thank you. I promise I will try not to change too much once I’m a millionaire. But you can’t expect it not to go to my head a little. But I won’t forget where I came from. Promise.

Ok, so I better get going, because Bennister said there was a deadline the bank gave him, and he needs all my information right away. He almost kinda threatened me, that if I didn’t jump on this, then my ass was out of the deal and he’d find someone else to be Rich Dead Dude’s relative. So you can see I have to act fast. I know you all understand.

Thanks for being my friends and I won’t forget you at the top.

Love,

Star The Future Millionaire

P.S. Could someone please email me and tell me what the “routing number” is on my checking account? I can’t figure out which one it is and Barrister Ben needs it, like, yesterday.