911 Wild Reno Hogs in Miami Movie Review

Wild Hogs

Starring: Tim Allen ,John Travolta ,Martin Lawrence ,William H. Macy, Ray Liotta, Marisa Tomei

Directed by: Walt Becker

Rated: PG-13 for crude and sexual content, and some violence

99 min

and then....

Reno 911!: Miami

Starring: The Cast of Reno:911!

Directed by: Ben Garant

Rated: R for sexual content, nudity, crude humor, language and drug use

84 min.

I have watched two movies in the last week, but really, neither of them is worthy of an entire review all to itself. So to make it fun and fabulous, I decided to combine the two into one glorious review. We will call it the “911 Wild Reno Hogs in Miami Movie Review”. And if that doesn’t sound like fun, well, golly, I don’t know what does.

Well, not true. I know a lot of things that sound like more fun. But the point, my ladies and gentlemans, is that I am putting the two together, so as not to insult fans of either by ignoring the fact that I watched it and found it less than review-worthy.

Fans of either. Snort. As if there is such a thing.

Ok, so Wild Hogs is a definite Coulda Movie. And Reno 911!:Miami is a Shoulda Movie. The first one coulda been good. It had a good idea- four men on the verge of varying midlife crises, jump on their Harleys and roar off for the Pacific, each of them looking for something to add meaning to their blah and boring lives. Reno 911: Miami shoulda been a good movie- the television version cracks me up to the point of peepee, many a time. But unfortunately, neither lived up to its promise, and left me, the viewer, in both cases with a lot of laughter left to spill, watching the credits roll and thinking, “That’s IT?”

Yes, that’s it.

Four middle-aged men drive to the Pacific on their Harleys and along the way, find adventure so positively unlikely, in any possible scenario that resembles life on planet earth, that it becomes difficult to laugh. They run afoul of a group of dangerous “real” bikers, led by a pathetically puffy-faced Ray Liotta who spends half of his screen time practicing a should-be-patented “Maniacal Laugh”. I swear, the guy looks like some boozy puppet with a button on his back “Push to Hear Maniacal Laughter”. (He really does!) Of course, the fake, oldguy bikers fight back bravely, and in between embarrassing moments like being caught swimming in the nude (GASP) or riding into signs (cue audience laughter), they rediscover what it means to be alive!!!! The most puzzling aspect of the entire Wild Hogs Movie Experience for me was that the theater was packed, and there was a lot of laughing, and it wasn’t the push-button-back kind. So I think this movie was enjoyable to many people. Maybe I am becoming a snob in my old age. Whatever.

And then… Reno 911!:Miami, where those loveable nitwits from the Reno Sheriff’s Department get invited to a police convention in Miami! They arrive only to find that the rest of the convention (read: all law enforcement peoples in the entire Miami area) are being quarantined by a terrorist biohazard threat, and it’s up to guess who to patrol the city? Ensuing hilarity might just make you cry. Not. There were so many masturbation/gross sex/nude scenes that it finally became obvious that that was the whole script idea by whoever came up with this gem. I admit to a certain horrified fascination at the first sight of Deputy Raineesha Williams’ HUMUNGUOS ass in a thong bathing suit, but the fascination faded quickly to mild nausea, long before the ass shots stopped. Oh, and add in a ten second spot by The Rock for Real Star Power and you have… a movie that shoulda been good.

Both of these had moments that were funny- don’t get me wrong. I like William H. Macy, and it was interesting to see him in a rare display as Comic Relief. Travolta’s character, the only one who actually realizes the danger the rest of them are in from the big bad bikers, has a few really funny moments when he is trying to convince the rest of them to hurry the hell up and get on the road, contorting his face in such ways that even I had to smile, and I am not usually a face-twisting smiler. I did actually guffaw, I believe, during the Reno movie when they blew up a whale on the beach, and I am not usually an animal-blowing-up smiler.

But that, my friends, was really, about it.

I give them each 2 &s…

&… they had some funny moments

&… they weren’t too long